The Dirty Sanchez
Stitch
Manhood
Lyrics
Karl Malden
They say that Jews make the best of lovers
We penny-pinch but give ourselves up under the covers
The reason why - could be we're insecure
Cause they took half of our cocks, and left us half cock-sure
It looks real pretty but our manhood’s gone
But God’s got a plan that we can rely on
For his chosen peeps his back-up was unique
Cause he left us something large (what your big Jew-beak?)
My nose, my nose, my nose...
My sweet hook nose
They say a sneeze is close to feeling an orgasm
But it's my nose that can make you spasm
Yo, you hearin' what I'm speakin' (yeah I think it's hot)
If my tongue is in her hole, my nose has got her g-spot
G spot - damn that thing is up to her liver
Liver, spleen who cares my shit is making her quiver.
It can let you relax, or make you tense with glee
Now hop up on my face - let's go olfactory!
My nose, my nose, my nose...
My sweet hook nose
Follow my nose - see if you can
I smell you callin’ just like that fuckin’ toucan
It always knows the flavor of your fruit
It'll take care of you - my nose is so asstute
Right-side-up or upside-down it's like a glove and it fits
I'd like to boogie with you and boogie all over your tits
My nose, my nose, my nose...
My sweet hook nose
Follow my nose and watch it dance
Up high down low now I've got you in a trance
with my nose and my tongue I'm like your personal spa
I hit it all, all at once I'll be your menage-a-trois
It works its magic - your screams are gettin high pitched
I felt you twitch, I scratched yo itch, I'm like that bitch from Bewitched
My nose, my nose, my nose...
My sweet hook nose
Cyrano - thy nose was poetry in motion
David Copperfield - your nose must have the magic potion
Jamie Farr - you can mash it real good
Pinnochio - my dog he's always bringin' his wood
Barbra Streisand - she never feels invalid
Nose tickles your balls when she’s tossin' your salad
Jimmy Durante - the king got over-exposed
So now I'm the king of the sweet hook nose!
My nose, my nose, my nose...
My sweet hook nose
Vagina Opus I
Vagina, pussy, bearded clam
Muff, gash, cooter, flaps of ham
Snatch, twat, nappy dugout, mound of venus
Trim, box, whisker biscuit, bacon hole
Honey pot, jelly roll
Stink rink, sausage wallet, sweater for my penis
Anniversary
Two weeks later no one thought we'd last
Said you'd never get past my past
We don't have to go all the way
There's other things that we can do until our wedding day so....
It's our anniversary - kiss me where I pee
I'll respect your virginity - kiss me where I pee
This schoolgirl skirt and stockings are a little gift from me
Put ‘em on baby before you kiss me where I pee
A month later still going strong (so I thought)
I asked you baby what's wrong (so distraught)
You ain't done nothin' wrong in God's eyes
You can keep your chastity if we only sodomize
It's Veterans Day my baby - kiss me where I pee
Time to do it for your country - kiss me where I pee
This army hat and short shorts are a little gift from me
Won't you put them on baby, then kiss me where I pee
Even Mary the Virgin kissed God where he peed
But she remained unstained cause she never did the deed
And if it's on a holiday the lord would call that fair
Cause God accepts you on your knees for more than daily prayer
So on our anniversary - kiss me where i pee
On Arbor Day, beneath a tree - kiss me where i pee
When the groundhog’s shadow he sees - kiss me where I pee
For Chanukah the only thing to give me...8 kisses for where I pee
Don't forget the Super Bowl on Sundee - kiss me where I pee
On Thanksgiving save room after turkey to kiss me where I pee
On Christmas, under the mistletizzie - kiss me where I pee
Green lip gloss for St. Patty - kiss me where I pee.
Keep your Easter eggs sperm free, kiss me where I pee...
Cream Of Wife In My Beard
Licking my wife in her special place
Is my gift to her and her gift to my face
On days I have to shave and my beard’s not yet grown
I swipe my hand down there for some eau-de-wife cologne
That's not the same as a beard full of her paste
I have her scent with me but not her tangy taste
But when my beard grows back my eyes begin to gleam
Cause soon my face will look like a glazed Krispy Kreme
And I'll have...
Cream of Wife in my beard
Call me bagel face cause I'm shmeared
Trust me boys you all should try it
Cream of wife's a healthy diet
Some men think that it's wrong
To wear my wife all day long
Not me I love Cream of Wife in my beard
And if that day should come when your wife tells you no
Fear not my faithful friends it's just her monthly flow
You love that girl of yours so do what you must do
You'll still have your Krispy Kreme - it's just filled with jelly too
Go get some...
Cream of Wife in your beard
There's nothin' boys to be feared
Your love life it's sure to sweeten
Hanker down and get to eatin’
Get your face good and wet
From her wifely juice and your sweat
Go get Cream of Wife in your...
If your wife is full of yeast - make challah bread and have a feast
Cream of Wife in your...
If she's on the cotton pony - have a cup of wifeastroni
Cream of Wife in your...
If she's a squirter you've got it made - just add some lemons...lemonade
Cream of Wife in your beard
Vagina Opus II
Crotch waffle, cock socket, bottomless pit
Big montana, salmon slit
Bunny tuft, pink taco, tampon tunnel
Clamarama, piss flaps, tuna town
Next door neighbor to the house of brown
Pole hole, hatchet wound, stench trench, spunk funnel
Dirty Sanchez
I met a senorita and she was so sweet
So I approached and asked her for a little dance
She turned and gave a smile and then she shook it for a while
And I knew I had to get into her pants
So for hours we were grindin’ her beauty was so blindin’
I suggested to mi casa we must go
And with our bodies ripe and sweaty she said I think I’m ready
Y mi cobra down below began to grow
At home turned on some music salsa and
Sprayed cologne upon my balls and
Was ready for this girl to meet her doom
I lit candles, set the mood - I hope you do not think I’m rude
As I gently showed the way to papi’s room and...
Shoved my finger up her ass and wiped it on her upper lip
Ooo that’s the Dirty Sanchez
Please don’t think that I am crass - love that finger in your ass
Ooo love the Dirty Sanchez
I hope you see the truth - finger look like Baby Ruth
Ooo in this Dirty Sanchez
Your life wont be complete - nothing ever smelled as sweet
As the dirty Sanchez
Out looking for another babe to be my little Sanchez slave
I found an actress she was needy as can be
So I put on all my charm - don’t want to cause you no alarm
But you’re the most bonita girl I’ve ever seen
I could not believe my luck - this little girl was ripe to pluck
She was a sweet young thing but ready for a trick
I had a shot, she had one too
It was the proper thing to do
And then I gave her hungry brown eye one sweet lick and...
Shoved my finger up her ass and wiped it on her upper lip
Ooo that’s the Dirty Sanchez
Your life wont be complete - nothing ever smelled as sweet
As the dirty Sanchez
My habit was beyond control I couldn’t get enough butthole
And then I found my perfect little match
She had a Latin ass divine she promised it would all be mine
But first she had a certain itch to scratch...she said:
I have one small request to put our love to the test
You are my big strong caballero yes it’s true
I’ll let you ravage my behind but mi amor if you don’t mind
First I’d like to do the same to you
So now baby you bend over and you act like my dog rover
I’ve got a negro strap-on dildo especial
She pulled out a jar of jelly and then she threw me on my belly
And slathered up my tight virgin canal
She jammed her finger up my ass and smeared it on my upper lip
Ooo that’s a Dirty Sanchez
It hurt my tender balloon knot the farther up her finger got
Ow...Dirty Sanchez
Tears of pain came to my eyes and a quiver to my thighs
Surprise! I like the Dirty Sanchez
That aroma I know well made my heart begin to swell
Ah hell…we love the Dirty Sanchez
Butth-ole
Stitch
For nine months you were carried in your mother safe and warm
She fed you what you needed she weathered every storm
And then at your arrival the love I felt was true
The birth it was amazing and I cried when I saw you
I couldn’t believe this miracle and I jumped up on the bed
I wanted to scream about my bundle of joy
But I just screamed this instead
Can you put an extra stitch in doc
I know that there’s a little tear
So won’t you help a brother out
And put a daddy stitch down there
Now I know you think I’m awful but my lady’d want it too
And although she can’t say yes right now
I had these papers drawn for you
You see it’s what she wanted it’s right here in this ink
So do what you went to school for and make this huge vagina shrink
When you throw an extra stitch in doc
And make it how it used to be
No wait I got a great idea
Make it smaller just for me
You know I love her each and every way
You know I love her through and through
But since you got that needle out
Throw a stitch in her butt-hole too
Won’t you throw an extra stitch in doc
And make a corset of that thing
And if you got the skills
Won’t you add some zippering
Throw an extra stitch in doc
And not just in her lady place
As long as you are stitchin’ things
Stitch the lips upon her face
The epidural’s running out
There ain’t much time left on the clock
Please...put an extra stitch in doc
Milkmaid
She's my milkmaid she's made to milk and milking is the best
Right from the tap I'm the happy pap cause I'm suckling on her breast
Now you might think I’m a little freak but I tell you give it a try
And the Jew in me is liking that it's free so I never have to buy
Milkmaid she makes it nice and sweet
Milk made straight from my baby's teat
Milkmaid I can't leave her alone
Milk made freeze it and make an ice cream cone
Now when I'm at a restaurant I get such funny looks
Cause my wife's free flowin’ and she don't mind showin’ all the waiters hosts and cooks
Some people sing for their supper but my wife's milk’s better than gold
When the lord made my wife's mammaries he threw away the mold
Milkmaid hey nurse I need a little taste
Milk made and I won't let a drop go to waste
Milkmaid I'd keep you pregnant if I could
Milk made and it does a body good
I have it in my coffee I drink it with a scone
I give it to my kitty cat and it makes dat pussy moan
I have some in the morning cause it's filled with vitamin D
And when I'm feeling frisky I mix it with her pee
Milkmaid you are my golden cow
Milk made and I think I need a sip right now
Milk made let's churn some into butter
Milkmaid your breasts are like no utter
It's like white lava burgeoning forth
My baby's sweet down south but she's hot up north
So step aside my son cause your daddy's on the run
For the mama with the tata make the papa just go gaga for the
Milkmaid she fills it to the brim
Milkmaid don't gimme no two percent or skim
Milk made smooth and soft as silk
Milkmaid...got milk
Vagina Opus III
Easy bake oven, enchilada of love
Lawrence of A-labia, catchers glove
Mule nose, camel toe, deer hoof, yo yo smuggler
Spunk pot, fish mitten, wizard's sleeve
Chicken’s tongue, furry beave
Cock pocket, slop shack, poontang, jism juggler!
Manhood
A foreskin and my self esteem I lack
A sneak attack the doc went whack
A hijack of my little knick-knack
Alack this whack sent me straight off-track
I'll find this quack i'll smack his sack and say it's time now for your pay back
Above my ball sack looks a little slack
Please no wisecrack i can't holdback and I am not a hypochondriac
I'm on the track of this maniac
And when i find him i'll get my manhood back
I want my manhood back from where it was taken
An 8 day old boy left cryin’ and shakin’
A short bloody stump's no good for love makin’
Jesus on the cross? Ha! I was forsaken
The drums of Thor shook the Earth to its core
There would be gore, the blood would pour I'd make this thief my whore
Upon the shore we battled some (and then they battled some more)
An epic war the final chore my manhood I would restore
As it's still told in all the sacred folklore
I took his head I took his heart and for my final encore
A tug of war I ripped and tore and off came his skin of fore
Let out a roar as I swore you'll circumcise nevermore
I took my manhood back by taking his own
Old Father Hubbard stripped the dog of his bone
It's like putting a muffin-top atop my scone
Or the ice cream upon my ice cream cone
The angels sang with glee
That foreskin fit so perfectly
He was as he should be
Eight inches long and thick - it was a sight to see
So whether you be Christian Hindu or Jew
Please rise anew come join our coup don't go what we went through
You can't undo that one miscue so do what you must do
Your day is due now go break through take back your manhoods too
A man without his manhood's like Tom without Jerry
It's like having a Christmas without any merry
Like finding a virgin who ain't got no cherry
Like Frankie Valli without his girl Sherry
It's like 70's porn but the pussies ain't hairy
Like Curly and Moe without any Larry
It's like a cute little house that ain't got no prairie
It's like us writing songs with no rhyming book of words
Blues
I had a little baby baby and I ain't happy as I should be
Yeah I had a little bitty baby baby and I ain't happy you can see
The reason I ain't happy baby is cause what that baby done took from me
He took my lady's figure and her milk he drinks like wine
Took away my slumber took most everything of mine
What he took that hurt the most and on this we can agree
Is he took away my computer room and made it his nursery
So now I'm forced to find a new place to use
Cause I got the...I Lost my favorite jerkin’ spot blues
So I tried it in the shower with one eye on the door
I hit it in the library what else those computers for
I have it in the Whole Foods when I pick the aisle right
I can jerk it with my mind if the pants i wear are tight
But still i bury my sadness in my booze
Cause I got the I miss my computer filled with my awesome porn blues
Oh I stroke it in the funhouse at the local county fair
And when I'n down in China - Tieneman Square
I have it in salt lake city for the mormons who refrain
I chenga on mi penga when I'm down in spain
I don't have much juice left in my fuse
But I still got the I can't stop smashin’ it blues
Cause I do it at confession and no one seems to care
Underneath my poncho when the barber cuts my hair
Behind the blocks at naptime when I drop off at daycare
Sometimes i try it lefty it's like someone else is there
I'd go back and force an abortion if I could choose
Cause I got the I need to find me a new spot to wail on it blues
So I do it at karaoke or at the DMV
I'm the reason why there's so much salt floating in the Dead Sea
I did it at grandpa's funeral with my iTouch in the car
I'm bound to have dropped my demon-seed, wherever the fuck you are
And now i think it's time for me to snooze cause I got the
Damn I'm tired from jerkin’ my manhood blues
Blumpkin
B is the bowl I sit upon
L I love you a lot
U you’re underneath my balls and it's really freakin’ hot
M is the manly stench you get and
P is for poop as you blow
K I'll wait to kiss you until tomorrow
I can’t believe you do this with the
N Nasty stench in the bowl
But you are the Queen of the Blumpkin
And for you I’d sell my soul
Yes you are the Queen of the Blumpkin
And for you I’d sell my soul
Gimme a B
Gimme an L
Gimme a U
Gimme an M
Gimme a P
Gimme a K
Gimme an I
Gimme an N
What’s it spell? Blumpkin!
What do we love? Blumpkin!
One more time...Blumpkin!
Vagina Opus XII
Round mound of beefhound, fish-a-ma-jig
Tackle-box, fuzzy fig
The indoor picnic, juice box, frosted cookie
Roast beef curtains, chewed-up gum
Flesh receptacle for my cum
Queef quarters, cock-sock, cunt, weiner wookie
The Voice
Welcome to the extravaganza
He's Don Quixote motherfuckers and he's Sancho Panza
We rap we rock and we makin’ em laugh again
We gotta be as funny as Carrot Top or Jimmy Gaffigan
And we will follow the path of Stephen Lynch
But he can swallow the wrath of my 8 inch...er
To him I give thanks but it's time to go alone
Now sit back and relax while I rock this microphone
I am the voice (and I'm the man behind the voice)
You have no choice (you a Buick and we a Rolls Royce)
Come here to me
And accept the new voice of comedy
We'll battle anybody in any genre
(If he were your pants) I'd look good on ya
Sidekick and he rocks the filth
We both got kids so we both be DILF’s
A DILF what's that? It's my new vernacular
A Dad I'd Like to Fuck (Yo that's fucking spectacular)
I morph the words as I wish to
But that right there ain't the mo' fucking issue
We have the voice and it must be known
Cause we've shown alone we rock the microphone
I am the voice (and I'm the man behind the voice)
You have no choice (you a Buick and we a Rolls Royce)
Come here to me
And accept the new voice of comedy
With a five octave range (and the fingers of a wizard)
We bringin’ the funny with the force of a tornado
Or a blizzard (yo there is the rhyme)
What you think Sancho I hit it every time
And you comedians who gots a beef with our guitar
Fuck you Dane Cook! Smash some fruit Galla-gar!
Lampanelli, Francisco, Brewer, Atell
Why you gotta hate - you ain't know me so well
So before you assume come see the magic we bringing
The jokes flowing like wine and of course my pretty singing
I am the voice (and I'm the man behind the voice)
You have no choice (you a fuckin' Kia and we a Rolls Royce)
Come here to me
And accept the new voice of comedy
All songs written by David Josefsberg and Jeff Gurner
Copyright 2010 Joberg & Gurner. All rights reserved.
Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable laws.
